Thinking about Loss

I know this may be mundane or not a very positive topic but I've been thinking about loss lately. All kinds of loss. Just this year, or in the last 3 months, I've had one family and one family friend pass away. They might have lived their lives and I know that they made an impact on everyone around them and it was sad to see them go but I was not there to say goodbye as I am here in Australia. It also made me think about my own grandparents and sometimes I wonder if living so far away is the right choice. I am not saying I regret my life decision in moving here as I love it here and I love my husband dearly but it gets hard somedays even though I have lived away from home for more than a decade.

Then there are those losses that come by in a split second when you least expect it and you are left wondering was it something I did? I am an avid fan of social media or really just instagram and one person's profile leads you to another and another and although most of their lives differ they sometimes have that one underlying story of loss. That loss I wished I didn't experience, that loss I wished friends close to me didn't either. The many different experiences of miscarriage. It's like you think you had something and then it gets taken away from you but its not a feeling like a material possession you bought and you were sad it's lost. Somedays I can explain it to myself and somedays I can't. Most days I just wish that when we do get pregnant again, I want to be one of those other 3/4 that makes it. Is that so much to ask for? I have so much anxiety around trying for a baby again that sometimes I just don't want to because I think what if it happens again? What if our baby dies again? I say it so easily that it scares me sometimes. This feeling of wishing for motherhood feels like its slipping away from me as the days go by but I guess nothing will happen until we try again. So here's me wishing myself luck in this process of making life.

That was my look of hope before I heard those words of " I am not liking what I am seeing". Words I pray and hope I never have to hear again.

From this day on....

I love writing my thoughts down in this online journal but always fail to do it often. Often is a understatement as my last post was over a year ago. Lots have happened in that year, as always. Sometimes I feel like my days all mesh into one and before I know it months have passed by. Last year started off with our wedding which was great and buying our little humble townhouse on the Gold Coast (YAY) but months after that I feel things just went downhill with not so great moments.

This year has been a challenge too but what's that they say- "Positivity" Somedays are so hard to stay positive but at the end of the day, I love coming back to my husband to our cosy house and sometimes with pee on the floors (Sasha!)

I hope to write every week. That's a goal I have set for myself so that over the years I have something to look back on and remember all those moment that have been meshed up into one. Till next time.

Shalini xx

Tea in all it's glory

Recently, I have been drinking so much tea. I have no idea why but its been my to go drink of choice. I always drink warm water so I decided to spice it up. A few weeks ago Zee and I went on our little or not so little food exploration ventures and decided to try CHA Tea Providores in the new 4217 at Surfers. I am in no way an expert food blogger or anything but I just love this place so much. I love the atmosphere, the tea and scones here. I have only tried the rose tea which is divine. It reminded me of the rose tea I usually get at TWG in Singapore. The service there is amazing too. Check out their whole range of teas on their website. I am so glad there is an amazing high tea place here on the Gold Coast. It's a dream come true.

Check out their website here: http://www.chatea.com.au/

Wedding Days

Originally I was going to dedicate a few posts about our Weddings but decided not to. Firstly, if you have been to an indian wedding you would know its long and there are more than a few processes involved in it. Secondly, we also had another wedding where I was lucky enough to wear the most beautiful traditional white dress which I also loved so therefore, instead of breaking them up, I am just going to post a few pictures which I love and share my special days here.

Thank you so much Darwin Gomez Photography for capturing our special day.

April's Chai

How is it already April? Some days I do feel that the days are slow and I am anxiously waiting for cooler days. If anyone know me at all, I really am not a fan of warm weather (Not sure what I am doing on the Gold Coast). It is starting to to cool down and I am loving it. Being April also means its getting closer to my family visiting in June and our honeymoon in July. Winter in New Zealand. I absolutely cannot wait.

This past few weeks I have been obsessed with soy chai lattes specificially the ones from Max Brenner. How I love Max Brenner so much. They are just absolutely divine. I wish I could make them at home so I went looking for alternatives that I could make myself and I came across T2's organic chai. I have always loved T2 and so glad there is a place here in Australia that is completely dedicated to just tea. I am so excited to try this out tonight and hope it lives up to my chaitastic expectations. Wish me luck!

Coming soon...

We received our wedding pictures today and I absolutely love it. I love the fact that all my family and friends are in them. I will update soon but here is a picture of us I love so much because I think we look so young (but we are quite old).

Where the road may lead

Life is a pretty short word with a big definition. Every day I tell myself I should blog and write something but I think about a million excuses on why I should not. Honestly, I don't think I have a whole much to say or I don't generally get up to much worth documenting. I started this blog in the beginning anyway because I have always dreamt of writing or at least writing something I would love reading. I grew up reading a lot and still thoroughly enjoy reading. (More of chick/girly novels). So, here I am sitting on my bed trying to fix my blog and write.

These last few weeks have not been the easiest for me. We have been looking for places to live and honestly, without my lovely husband I don't think I have the patience for the whole process because, I don't. The whole process is tedious and tiring and in all honesty I just want to move already. I am not saying I am not grateful for his parents for allowing us to crash at theirs for one year now but we both decided that right after our wedding, we will look for our place to call home. I really miss having our own things, our kitchen utensils and all my stationary. I have these dreams of decorating our own home again. Something so simple yet seems a little far away at this moment. We are getting closer so I know that it will not be to far away. 

With that being said, life in general can be easy but seems complicated to me some days. I think about the what ifs and friends and family I miss dearly. I wish they were living next door to me. Today, I decided to not to care about my what ifs and this timeline I had for my life. I may not have my dream job yet, not studying the millionth degree I want to acquire, our dream home or just a place to call our own for now and  my friends and family living next door but I do know that I was able to take a nice warm shower, had lots of food to eat (A little too much most days), have a soft comfy bed to sleep on, more than enough clothes to wear but most importantly my loved ones are healthy and alive and for that I am thankful. 

So I say, bring on house hunting, school applications and other pressing issues I need to attend to in the next few months but for right now I will try to paint a little picture of my world on my own canvas and see where that leads to. It may not be extravagant in your eyes but for me that is more than enough.