A GIRL AND HER CAMERA

So recently I acquired a new camera. A Nikon DSLR D3400. I have no idea about cameras and taking pictures but one day I was browsing social media and I was thinking about life and my own dreams and hobbies. Most days I feel so far from having achieved my career goals despite all that schooling. It frustrates me on a daily basis which got me thinking about hobbies or what I really enjoy. I have enjoyed photos and reading blogs which actually lead me to starting this blog which I always neglect. You know that mean girl part of you that says "What you have is not good enough". Yes, those mean girl moments. I messaged my husband and said I want to buy a camera so I can just take pictures of anything and everything because I love pictures. There is something about capturing your own pictures and also looking at pictures other people have taken. It captures that exact moment that will never  be repeated again. That precious moment that you can hold on to.

Long story short, that weekend we went to get a camera (Lucky wife right here). He loves taking pictures too so it was kind of a win. Today, I enrolled myself into a short DSLR class starting next month and I am so excited. If my career goals, parenting life is on hold at the moment and not happening for me right now, I need to find a purpose in life and not just live day by day. I hope the class and this passion brings me some peace and happiness that most of us are searching for (or maybe it is just me). For now, here are some pictures I took on the day we got my camera. Enjoy!

Thinking about Loss

I know this may be mundane or not a very positive topic but I've been thinking about loss lately. All kinds of loss. Just this year, or in the last 3 months, I've had one family and one family friend pass away. They might have lived their lives and I know that they made an impact on everyone around them and it was sad to see them go but I was not there to say goodbye as I am here in Australia. It also made me think about my own grandparents and sometimes I wonder if living so far away is the right choice. I am not saying I regret my life decision in moving here as I love it here and I love my husband dearly but it gets hard somedays even though I have lived away from home for more than a decade.

Then there are those losses that come by in a split second when you least expect it and you are left wondering was it something I did? I am an avid fan of social media or really just instagram and one person's profile leads you to another and another and although most of their lives differ they sometimes have that one underlying story of loss. That loss I wished I didn't experience, that loss I wished friends close to me didn't either. The many different experiences of miscarriage. It's like you think you had something and then it gets taken away from you but its not a feeling like a material possession you bought and you were sad it's lost. Somedays I can explain it to myself and somedays I can't. Most days I just wish that when we do get pregnant again, I want to be one of those other 3/4 that makes it. Is that so much to ask for? I have so much anxiety around trying for a baby again that sometimes I just don't want to because I think what if it happens again? What if our baby dies again? I say it so easily that it scares me sometimes. This feeling of wishing for motherhood feels like its slipping away from me as the days go by but I guess nothing will happen until we try again. So here's me wishing myself luck in this process of making life.

That was my look of hope before I heard those words of " I am not liking what I am seeing". Words I pray and hope I never have to hear again.

From this day on....

I love writing my thoughts down in this online journal but always fail to do it often. Often is a understatement as my last post was over a year ago. Lots have happened in that year, as always. Sometimes I feel like my days all mesh into one and before I know it months have passed by. Last year started off with our wedding which was great and buying our little humble townhouse on the Gold Coast (YAY) but months after that I feel things just went downhill with not so great moments.

This year has been a challenge too but what's that they say- "Positivity" Somedays are so hard to stay positive but at the end of the day, I love coming back to my husband to our cosy house and sometimes with pee on the floors (Sasha!)

I hope to write every week. That's a goal I have set for myself so that over the years I have something to look back on and remember all those moment that have been meshed up into one. Till next time.

Shalini xx